In a world plagued by evil neoliberal villains….

In a world plagued by evil neoliberal villains, ravenous leeches clawing at the succulent, pulsing brachial artery of undergraduate life, and sardines-in-a-can tutorial sizes, what do you say to the possibility of fighting against the malevolent figure looming over your right to a free education? “Totes cabotes, cumquats and oats!” That’s right!

Now that I have your attention:

If you’re holding this newspaper on Tuesday afternoon, keen bean you are, it having just been placed in the stands by the SRC’s superhero publications distributor, then you have ample time to plan your outfit and footwear for tomorrow’s National Day of Action for education rights.
If it’s Wednesday morning, then you have a couple of hours to grab a coffee, do a quick reading, ingest a generous amount of water (or bourbon – who am I to judge?), and grab three friends to march with you to protest education cuts.

If it’s noon, and you’re reading this as you wait outside Fisher library for the rally to start, good. The time to stand up for your right to an accessible, quality education is now.
In the first week or two of semester you were bombarded by the different services and groups on campus, including those of the SRC. I’m going to sound like a broken record, but it’s for a good reason: there’s a page (the reverse of this one) dedicated to advice on things such as harassment, Centrelink, housing – you name it. As well as this, the SRC provides a free casework service to all undergraduate students. If you’re ever in need of some assistance with issues such as those raised above, or things like academic appeals, the SRC should be first
on your organisational dot point list. The SRC also has two experienced lawyers, who are available for free consultation.

If, however, you’re not in need of assistance just yet, then sit back, relax, and enjoy what may
be the best years of your life. It’s likely you’ll never again have the privilege of spending hours on end basking in the sun on the front lawns of the university, with little to no fucks to give about anything in the world other than the amount of ‘likes’ your latest instagram photo got (#ibislol #what). Other stereotypical and cringe-worthy student endeavours include: spreading the word about (“just discovered!!!!!”) speedy campus shortcuts, boasting about your computer acquisition skills in Carslaw Hub peak hours, and orchestrating the inconvenient and, frankly, ridiculous conversion of fruits into various types of protective headwear.
Carpe peponem.

Seize the watermelon.

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